what a tangled skein we pull, part deux

So I decided to be brave, and try and use the microfiber ribbon I spent 10 hours unraveling from the bloody knot from hell. I had a rare feeling of optimism, which should have been my signal that something was amiss.

I wanted to make this ribbon into a beautiful bolero from "the Happy Hooker" crochet book. The bolero has an openwork leaf design, ingeniously incorporating front post and back post DC's to make a relief of the edge of the leaf. Leaf Relief. Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence...

Ahem, focus.

I've been working on the first panel, which is the back of the bolero, and have about 4 repeats of the pattern. Since the ribbon is green, it's really beautiful and organic looking, but also shiny and silky too. Getting there has been a real problem, though.

I used the "ball" I wound of the slippery stuff, which I had cut about 10 times to get it unknotted, so every few rows or so I need to knot on some more of it--the knots don't really show in crochet and it's too slippery to just stitch it in like normal. So I have a bunch of knots with dangly bits hanging. And any tiny piece of hangnail or 3-cell uneven bit of skin on my hands pulls a little bit of the microfiber ribbon as I work. Oh, and it smells like smoke. Like my Nanny's house, minus dog piss. I wrote to the lady in charge of the yarn company about it, and she said none of her stuff has been exposed to cigarette smoke. Period. But unless someone opened my bag of goodies from the Sheep and Wool festival when I wasn't looking and puffed about 3 packs of burning funk into it, I don't know where else the dang stuff could get exposed to cigarette smoke.

The real kicker is I don't think I've crocheted the correct gauge, because the leaves look much smaller than the picture. I measured and I'm only an inch off if I don't stretch it a little, which it will do...is an inch a lot? Lella, tell me true. Because the measurements for the size I am making are a little larger than I am, I think. I don't know. I am considering frogging the whole thing and starting over with a bigger hook. But that is a PITA.

Annnnd...I don't think I have enough of the yarn to finish it. I have a whole other skein, unbroken because I finally decided to follow directions and unwind it with a person holding on to the yarn. Great, right? It would be awesome, if only I could find the END of the damn YARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tucked it in nice and secure, knowing I had a beautiful unbroken bit-o-ribbon, and now I have to cut it because the end is lost forever. Woe! Woe is me!

My only consolation is that I am not listening to the Da Vinci Code on CD anymore, which was enough to make each of my stitches twice tight and angst-ridden. Ugh, that book! I wanted to know what all the hubbub was about, and now that I know, I can understand why people were so annoyed. People make up crackpot junk all the time, and fiction is just that: fiction. But nearly everything that could possibly be construed as true (the construction of the louvre, Leonardo's habits and personality, the Council of Nicea) was also complete crrrrrrap. Leonardo did play practical jokes, but he loved 15-year-old boys, not women. He was about as far from worshipping women via sex acts as Elton John. This book could be read aloud to imprisoned Christians and art historians as a form of torture. The figure next to Christ at the Last Supper looks like a young boy, not a woman--or he would if the painting itself wasn't a mangled mess of poorly-preserved fresco. I could go on and on but it would just give me an anger headache.

Far better is listening to "the Number One Ladies Detective Agency" stories. They are so calm and charming, and leave one feeling like problems can be resolved with just a little women's intuition. Far more respectful to women than old patronizing Da Vinci Code. I'd like to see Robert Langdon get a beat-down from the "traditionally built" Mma Ramotswe. She could teach him a thing or two about life. Maybe she can teach me how to unwind my green skein from hell.