a shaky bad mood (bad bad mood, yeah!)

It's not a truly terrible mood, as one of A's favorite songs says (Boynton's "I like to fuss" from Philadelphia Chickens), but an annoyed one. We had a great day except for one thing--getting a parking ticket outside the towson library. It wouldn't have been as bad if the guy wasn't writing it as I walked up, and if it hadn't JUST run out of time, and if I hadn't parked there, thinking I'd save four bucks from not parking in the bloody garage. Well I will pay 18 bucks for that parking spot, thanks mister. I asked him if he could have mercy on me, and had A with me, and he said no, he already wrote it out (just THEN, ya punk), and something about not getting tickets when we deserve them, and getting them randomly or something. I was too mad to listen fully. I know I deserved the ticket, but it's still a pisser.

But the good thing that happened today was that A had his very first (half) day at preschool. It was only for an hour, and his preschool is at our church, so he's not in a completely foreign environment--but, it was still a big day for our little family. I lined up in the carpool area, his teacher took him inside after a hug and kiss from me, and then I drove off, shaking, down the road to the Caribou Coffee. I felt the same numbness and shock that I experienced the day we drove A home from the hospital, though luckily today I'm not swollen out the wazoo and down half a body's worth of blood. Yes, quite an improvement on nearly three years ago, I must say.

And I didn't cry. Big step.

Most days I still feel like a consummate hack as a parent. Same as that day we brought him home. "When will his real parents come to pick him up?" "Will someone truly responsible fill out all this school paperwork?" "Who's going to call the doctor, and sign the Parent section of his medical records?" Seeing no one else step up, I'll put my name down and wonder inside whether everyone is secretly holding back a snort of laughter.