I love your self, mommy

Sometimes my life as a mother is frustrating, monotonous, and exhausting. The past couple of days were what I call "boundary-testing days." A will be defiant and disobedient all day, putting him in the naughty zone (the aughdy som he calls it) so many times that it seems like he might as well just park himself there for the duration. He's checking, during those days, to see whether I am still the mommy or if there was a mysterious, bloodless coup putting him in charge of the household. He's doing what kids need to do somehow. After boundary-testing days come about 3 weeks where he's totally fine, for the most part, and just has minor incidents during the day. I am very happy when they're over and so is he. He knows there is structure, and safety, and love even when my teeth hurt from clenching them down so many times. I don't like when he disobeys, and I do have a quick temper because I am a control freak, but the naughty zone gives me a chance to cool down enough to keep from saying hurtful things, and remember not to take his disobedience personally.

So I think today marks the beginning (fingers crossed) of our non-testing time, as A put away a bunch of toys without being asked, and is trying to use his spoon to eat like a civilized creature. He's still a mess, but there has been progress.

He likes to give hugs and kisses a lot, and sometimes he'll touch my face and say, "I love your eyebrows, Mommy," or "I love your nose, Mommy," like a person who is noticing a new accessory (I love that bag, Dolores! I just love those earrings...). It's very sweet. Lately he'll say, "I love your self, Mommy." It's the whole shebang, that one.

For someone who spent most of her life in the midst of an identity crisis, full of self-condemnation, to hear "I love your self" makes me wonder: Do I love my self? Not in a narcissistic way, but in a healthy, "as-God-sees-me" way. I'm glad to report progress in this area, just like A can use his spoon better. I've learned to give myself time off to be alone, which I desperately need to keep my head above water. I've learned to breathe more, as strange as that sounds, and to take a step back from most situations so I don't fall into default mode. I say "no" more often, and am trying to listen to my instincts instead of charging ahead with something I don't want to do--just because I think people expect me to do it.

One of the difficult conversations I had this winter with my counselor was focused around the idea of loving myself; wasn't it selfish, or self-absorbed, to do so? He said that it would be disobeying God's command if I didn't love myself. Jesus said to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself. I cannot love my neighbor as God loves him, if I do not also love myself. My first reaction, as always, was deep skepticism, but I came to understand the truth of it. When I started to put that concept into practice, it helped me to increase my capacity of love for other people. If I'm worn out and exhausted and frustrated and angry because I haven't taken time for myself, then I cannot serve anyone effectively because I'm always thinking about the pain in the ass it is, and can't they see that I'm tired and yet they keep asking me to do crap for them??? But if I allow time to read, or veg, or crochet, or go out shopping (where I get most of my ideas, honestly), I feel so much kinder towards people, and feel like I have something to give instead of giving out of my own depleted energy.

Sometimes there isn't enough alone-time in the universe for me to feel replenished, and on those days I need to hear "I love yourself, Mommy," from God. Or from A.